Marian Dingle
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You Didn't Want To Know

12/3/2018

29 Comments

 
​In a blog post I wrote last year, I talked about knowing. Because I referenced the pain of losing my mother, I think what got lost is the underlying meaning of knowing the pain of racism. 
Picture
View here: Remember the Titans, scene after restaurant debacle.
In the clip above, the Black teammates, Petey and Blue,  tell the white one, Sunshine, that they will be met with racism if they attempt to eat in the segregated restaurant. Undeterred, Sunshine announces confidently that because of his presence, they are safe. They enter. And inevitably, they are thrown out. While Sunshine is stunned, Petey is incensed.
Sunshine: I didn’t know, man.
Petey: I told you. Whachu mean you didn’t know?...
Blue, he don’t want to know.

 
On Being Welcoming
​It has been over a year since I attended my first Twitter Math Camp, commonly known as TMC, and over a year when I first began thinking about what I wanted in a math conference here . I remember distinctly being among a crowd of so many who felt so affirmed in that space – the same space that I just did not. My revelation was honest, but it was widely met with surprise. It’s not that I didn’t think the conference was valuable. To be clear, I did get a lot from it, but it was different than the life-changing human experience that others felt. And that was ok. I hadn’t expected otherwise.
 
Yet, some very well-meaning humans really wanted TMC to be welcoming to those who did not feel welcome. Conversations about diversity were held that weekend at TMC17, and I was a part of some of them. I had one simple question: Why does TMC want to be (racially) diverse? And as many times as I ask it, the answers remain scant and not quite satisfying. (Although my initial thinking was of TMC, it extends to other math conferences and gatherings.)

 
My sense of belonging goes far beyond being welcomed. When you welcome someone into your home for a weekend visit, you are excited that they are coming. You prepare their sparkling clean guest room with scented soaps, reading materials, and fluffy towels. You may even prepare special delicacies to impress their palettes. And yet, it is still possible to get it wrong. Maybe they are allergic to scented soap, they don’t share your taste in reading material, or need a special diet that you have not considered.
 
Being a decent human being, you admonish yourself for not thinking of asking what your guest would like beforehand. Of course, this makes sense to you. To make someone comfortable, we should ask what it is that they need to feel comfortable. But as these conversations continued that TMC weekend, there was still something missing.
 
The answers to why we should be racially diverse often hover most around “because I know it’s the right thing to do”, which just doesn’t cut it. I wanted to ask:
​Why is it the right thing to do?
Why do you want me here?
What do you miss by my absence?
 
All met with silence.
TMC was trying to welcome me, and other educators of color, into their space much like the person in the above example would welcome a guest into their home. As comfortable as you make the guest, it is still your house. And that is the problem.
 
Instead of asking what type of flowers the guest likes, how about inviting them to co-create the visit with you? Plan the activities, meals, and décor? This is easy if the imagined space always included educators of color, much more difficult if it never did. This is the renewed thinking that I crave. I don’t want to feel welcome in your conference; I want to feel that I belong in ours. I want to feel that I am creating it along with you. Why did you never think to ask me? Why didn’t it feel hollow with my absence?
 
If you have diversity in your life – among your friends, your neighbors - then it would feel awkward when you don’t have it. You would notice the absence and you would seek it naturally at work, around town, and yes, even at a math conference. Is there diversity in your life? Do you feel my absence in your organization? Our organization?
 
To co-create is to be on equal footing, to have equal power. Does math belong to all of us or just some of us? Because if it does indeed belong to all of us, then why do some of us get to decide for all of us? If math belongs to all of us, then so do math conferences and math organizations. We should all be there. And if we are not, the absences of those not represented should be felt. Painfully.

 
Yet, are we in pain? We are not. Pain would demand willingly relinquishing power and privilege because the loss from not experiencing the beauty and knowledge from all voices is too much to bear. Instead, we are content with temporary pain relief through actions that welcome others to our teams and conferences, but stop just short of empowering them to make real decisions. And mathematics continues to suffer.
 

Returning to the movie clip above, how often do we take the word of people of color when it is in direct conflict with what we know to be true? Let us move beyond saying that we don’t know what to do and move toward truly shared power, equal footing, and concrete plans to get us there. No more studying the problem and experimentation. Let us just commit to sincerely act until we reach the goal.
 
A space for me to be valued, seen, appreciated, yes, this is what I want. And eventually I’d like that without a special initiative, push, or intention. I want it to be natural, because if I am truly wanted, it would be. I want a space where I don’t have to explain, justify, or convince.  This is what I want. It is what I deserve. In the service of children.
29 Comments
Jenise Sexton link
12/7/2018 11:43:55 am

What a confident piece Marian. Moving pass just talk and theory to real sustainable actions are two vastly different things. It’s more about acknowledging the absence of a key component and not being able to move forward without it. The lack of advancement changes the conversation to actions. What is willing to be done for the advancement?

Reply
Marian Dingle
12/7/2018 05:05:58 pm

So true, Jenise. What are we willing to actually do? Thank you, friend, for reading and commenting.

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Christopher link
12/7/2018 12:06:45 pm

This is all so true. Thank you, Marian.

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Marian Dingle
12/7/2018 05:06:27 pm

And thank you for reading, Christopher.

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John Golden link
12/7/2018 12:25:47 pm

(Not thinking I'm telling you anything new, but trying to think about it for myself.)

Segregation is so endemic, I don't think most of us know what we're missing. "We should be more diverse," comes so often from a deficit mindset - 'those outside are missing out'. But even when it comes from a fairness mindset, 'we do not resemble our profession or our students here' we literally do not know what we're missing.

But then we might get to experience it. Learning from and with you and Jenise Sexton at TMC17 had the feel of 'oh, this is what we're missing.' It's a step towards wholeness, maybe? But that doesn't necessarily lead to what you're talking about here. Getting out of the way. I don't always know how to do that, and I don't even know how to respond when it's pointed out that I'm standing in the doorway.

Thanks. As always, thanks.

Reply
Marian Dingle
12/7/2018 05:10:17 pm

John, thank you for sharing your candid thoughts here. I think that if we are ever going to move forward, we have got to build real relationships with each other. That may seem forced at first, but until we know a bit about the plight of one another, we won't ever be able to see and feel the same things.

Reply
Vah
12/8/2018 12:22:20 am

There is so much truth here. I'd love for my presence and involvement to be expected and natural in education spaces.

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Marian Dingle
12/8/2018 03:48:47 am

I am hopeful it can be.

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Robert Berry
12/8/2018 04:10:53 am

This post reminds me of the tenants of critical race theory. Marian, you are a master “truth teller.” Thank you.

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Marian Dingle
12/8/2018 11:01:53 am

Thank you. I am a novice in CRT, but am committed to learn more in this work. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

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Susan Phalen
12/8/2018 04:59:40 am

Thank you so much for writing and sharing this piece, Marion. It spurs me to move in new directions and gives me the tiniest taste of what I'm missing, especially with my students.

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Marian Dingle
12/8/2018 11:00:11 am

That's good to hear. Thank you for reading, Susan.

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Carolanne Brandt
12/8/2018 05:36:27 am

I want to hear these stories because I'm white and I teach in a community that's not white. I need to hear perspectives that are different from mine so I can be better for my students. Thank you for sharing this . I am going to think of this reflection when I'm planning things for my class. Even small classroom activities can be intentional and well-planned to create an environment where my students feel like they're leaders in the classroom and not just guests. Thank you.

Reply
Marian Dingle
12/8/2018 11:04:12 am

Yes, our classrooms operate best when they are co-created with our students. Although I thought I was doing this already, reading "The Troublemakers" by Carla Shalaby redefined the way power should be shared in the classroom. I highly recommend it.

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Life LeGeros
12/8/2018 05:56:12 am

Thank you for this, Marian. I spent yesterday with a group planning s conference where our theme will be “equity”. We established that we have tons of work to do, on ourselves as individuals and a collective, and then on design. This post is hugely helpful in reorienting me away from the guest invitation mentality toward a co-creation aspiration. Exactly what I needed. Thank you.

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Marian Dingle
12/8/2018 11:05:57 am

I am so glad this helps, Life. It really is a re-orientation that is required. I'd be glad to be a listening ear if needed.

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Sheila
12/8/2018 03:57:39 pm

“I want to feel that I am creating it along with you. Why did you never think to ask me? Why didn’t it feel hollow with my absence?” Once again your words prompt me to ask rather than state, listen rather than talk, and be present as opposed to just taking up space. Thank you.

Reply
Marian Dingle
12/8/2018 04:37:07 pm

Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

Reply
Steve Weimar
12/9/2018 09:28:54 am

Thank you for your courage, commitment, generosity, and insight

“how often do we take the word of people of color when it is in direct conflict with what we know to be true?” .....
”relinquishing power and privilege” …. Yes, in those quotes you have named what I see as the core challenge. And I would add “identity”. Willing to loosen the ties that bind our identity with the specifics of how things have been and to be seen differently.

Scary stuff.

And it is endless. Exhausting. So hard.

And none of those were my first thoughts.
“Why do you want me here? What do you miss by my absence?”
…love….a moment of mutual connection and support that goes deeper than most….insights and directness and determination that stretch me….a chance to support you…it’s personal first for me

Reply
Marian Dingle
12/10/2018 04:32:25 am

Thank you, Steve, for your honest reflection. It was my hope that readers dug deep and you are doing that. I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

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Chris Stewart link
12/11/2018 09:20:55 am

(Learning to Belong; Belonging for Learning)
Thank you, Marian, for such a thought-provoking article. Your exposition reminds me of the teachings of Susan Scott—Fierce Conversations. So much goes unsaid, and especially as we begin to venture into important, collaborative work. If we’re going to get to Belonging, we need to begin by having difficult conversations—those that examine what we see as official truth vs those that are truth at ground-level. Only once we see one another will recognition of the disparity between truths help us to carve out a plan/pathway towards getting to Belonging. Getting there will be hard work. Essential work. A Learning by Doing type of work. Doing the work is the work of each of us—guests in one another’s lives. We will honour one another by being fully present, seeing to/not through, and co-creating the conditions that builds our relationships/gets us on track towards achieving goals. I can’t help but anticipate the depth of learning we’ll all be able to do and grow through when we get to Belonging.

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Marian Dingle
12/11/2018 11:42:06 am

Yes, this is true. Thank you for reading, Chris.

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Melynee Naegele
2/7/2019 07:54:55 pm

Beautifully and eloquently said! I may share some of your blog with my students. I try to get this message to them as best I can even knowing my whiteness keeps me from delivering it properly! Our world is a beautifully created place and ALL of us are a needed and loved piece of our puzzle. With out each of us, without you, our puzzle is incomplete and a piece of the beauty is missing. I want you because I need you and love you, and feel complete when you are here. Tennyson said, "I am part of all that I have met." When the "all that I have met" truly become a part of us we treat that part as ourselves and nurture and respect that part because we no longer have a they and a me. Instead we have a me or we. I am blessed that you are a beautiful part of me Marian. Thank you!

Reply
Marian Dingle
2/7/2019 08:16:31 pm

Thank you for reading, Melynee.

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Nicki Newton link
7/17/2019 09:48:09 pm

Thanks! So True!

Reply
Marian Dingle
7/22/2019 05:27:44 pm

Thank you for reading!

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Lane Walker link
8/3/2019 01:19:55 pm

I love this window into your heart. Well said.

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Robert Kaplinsky link
10/18/2021 11:41:23 am

This is so powerful. I absolutely appreciate you unpacking this.

Reply
Marian Dingle
10/18/2021 12:11:44 pm

Thank you for reading, Robert.

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